Fashion Aside

I can never understand why Hollywood A-listers follow stylists to the last shade of teal. Granted, it’s the only blue I like, but isn’t it going a bit too far to stand for photos with one leg tightly crossed in front of the other? I know this is to give you the slimmest silhouette ever (and oh dear, we must have that, mustn’t we), but has no one whispered that the only silhouette it gives everyone from Mischa Barton to Kate Bosworth is of a person with a desperate need to pee? I mean, really.
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The best fashion quote I’ve heard in a long time comes from Hannah Sandling, another celebrity stylist….
Q: “What would you save in a fire?”
A: “I’d rather burn with my ten wardrobes than pick an item.”
Now that’s a girl I can deal with.
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Speaking of celeb stylists, Rachel Zoe is too much. I adore her fashion sense, those furs! those little dresses! the rocks! the Hermes Birkins! I die! The only thing I draw the line at are those insane bugeye sunglasses. They have got to go. It’s no wonder that Zoebot Nicole Richie was at loggerheads with her for a while; you can’t be a clone without the natural order of things playing up. And someone must tell Rach that starving so that you can fit into all your designer friends’ samples is all very well, but hello, when your breasts disappear, it’s time to get a shot of weetabix juice. Her assistants in the Rachel Zoe Project are seriously interesting, by the way, from the playing-to-the-gallery witch Taylor to the cute-as-a-polished-apple Brad.
I just wish Brad would stop sobbing like a girl at the drop of an eyebrow, usually Taylor’s.

Oh Marcus, Marcus

Now India is a nation that has never been poor in monetary terms. Just ask the Swiss, and jog your memory about the crores of rupees that is found off and on under politicians’ beds. Here, we are talking about the poor suckers, aka the voting public, who are taking part in the elections as we speak. They can only choose the least of myriad evils as they long for a Marcus Aurelius to stand so that they can vote with their hearts and minds, not just exercise their franchise because they must. It is in India’s constitution that no one with a criminal record can stand for elections. If you go to the excellent smartvote.in, you will see that that hasn’t stopped almost every contestant from standing proud and without blinking asking for the change they have no intention of being. Talk about Cry, the Beloved Country.

Oh no you di –nt, Ryan!

It’s old news that Angelina Jolie won’t speak to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet because he called her cold. Nobody likes the truth. Now I’m a big Seacrest fan, he’s kind and sweet and supportive as Idol host, great as the host of AT40, but it was while hosting the latter recently that he made another remark that will, this time, have Nicole Kidman cutting him dead. The perennially daft Kellie Pickler said how she thought Nicole Kidman was beautiful, loved her skin, her smile…and Ryan asked Could you tell? (that she was smiling). Now the world and its brother suspects that Nic has done her bit of Botox and collagen, so really, there’s no other way to take that.
Dear oh dear.

Lit Bit

Reading the Hitch’s God is not Great is, for me, like preaching to the converted. After you read Dostoyevsky’s Brothers Karamazov, you not only know that God is not Great but that God is Not There. Still, it’s always fun to read an erudite mind on a subject that has ripped mankind to shreds. (So what if he said the tsunami struck in 2005 when it was 2004? What’s a year or two between sceptics?)
Here’s why it’s fun: The watcher at the gates, “whose job it was to alert the others if the Messiah arrived unexpectedly”, says “It’s steady work”. Now if that doesn’t give you a laugh, I dunno what will.

Adam Lambert: Kiss of life from a fallen angel

It is for the first time in Idol history that we knew, from the minute he walked into the audition, that Adam Lambert would be the next American Idol. Before, this title was always up for grabs, and sometimes America fumbled with the ball (think Daughtry who says to this day, people yell to him on the street “Hey, man, you were robbed!”). We also knew, from the minute he pranced off with the yellow paper, that when it came to sports, Adam’s interest? “Not so much”, in his father’s immortal words. The unfortunate man must be kicking himself for giving the game away seeing as how America is notoriously puritanical. But I don’t think this will sway the votes for once. I am notoriously puritanical myself and I don’t care which team Adam plays on. For God’s sake, just look at him. Who has ever seen a face so beautiful? All the clichés fall into place. A fallen angel, the dark knight, the starving artist in his lonely garret…..He doesn’t just sing like a lost boy who is finding his way home through pain and laughter, a solitary vision, an everlasting hopefulness through a sense of betrayal (you’ll find all this in his performances), he makes us believe it. This is why Paula, who is really under-estimated, always ‘gets’ it when it comes to contestants, and why when Adam is on stage, she smiles through her tears. It is all, in a strange way, like the Susan Boyle experience. We weep for both Susan and Adam’s pain, one for her lack of beauty (which really opens every door), the other for living in a world where he can never admit who he is. At the same time, they make us reaffirm the joy we are born with and which the world so ruthlessly strips away year after year. I just have to think of Adam’s face and I am happy, again. I just have to hear his pure voice and I feel my heart pierced, the blood beginning to flow, again.

Susan Boyle: 41 million kisses, and counting

What is astonishing about the Susan Boyle experience is the universal reaction to her: We have all ended in tears. And the reason for it isn’t far to seek. Don’t we know what it’s like to be 47, without a job, overweight, not dropdead gorgeous. Like we once knew what it was to be 16, slim as a magic wand, cool, surrounded by Goth friends, debating which boy to kiss……At 47, that is a distant memory. And Susan? She’s never been kissed, never been 16 and cool. She must have been 16 and looking as otherworldly as she does today. So much so that the only thing she must have been debating was which sneer to avoid. When you see her video, (and 41 million of us have), when you watch her audience’s sneers turn to delight, not unmixed with shame, when you hear her startling voice singing about how “My life has killed the dreams I dreamed”, it’s as if she is singing for all of us. For all of us whose dreams are dust, all our hopes mangled with an Oreo milkshake that in no way fills the void within, all our talent worthless since it garners nothing in our bank accounts, all our sad attempts at love ending in a penchant for Stephenie Meyer novels. Yes, there is a Susan Boyle who wakes from her own lonely sleep, or a Mickey Rourke, once and forever broken but who found a single saviour in Hollywood with Darren Aronofsky, but what of the rest of us? What about those without a singing voice? Or acting chops? So we weep.

It’s interesting to watch those stone cold men, Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell, in Susan’s video. Piers kept a tight rein on his facial muscles so that he didn’t break down like a fool. Simon? He cupped his face in his hands and sighed and smiled and looked as proud as though he was related to the lady in question. Yes, he’ll make money off her but Simon has one saving grace. It’s what makes us forgive his Jennifer Hudson fiasco and his crude remarks to young hearts which lie defenseless at his feet week after week while American Idol is on. He genuinely cares when he uncovers talent. When Adam Lambert performs, he nods and smiles at him in a one-on-one communication that is caught on camera. The only time Simon is respectful of another human being is when they themselves have power. By the way, a 12-year-old called Shaheen is now making waves with his voice on Britain’s Got Talent. He’s got talent but what can I say, he didn’t bring me to tears.